I have many clients and people who comment on my blog that feel there is no way to get closure in a relationship because the other person won’t admit to a wrong doing or they won’t apologize. Others ask me how to find closure. Sometimes there is no closure because the relationship ends or the person leaves or dies and you are left hanging feeling like you have no answers to your questions. Closure doesn’t depend on two people. Closure only depends on you.
I really feel for some of the people who tell me their stories where things end abruptly. Most recently was a woman who finally found her soulmate but before she could truly be with him, he died in an accident. She felt she had no closure as there was no last conversation and she was left wondering why she met him if they weren’t going to be together. She started to wonder if she’d ever find love.
In other cases, people tell me that their relationship ended but the other person doesn’t understand how they feel or won’t apologize or acknowledge them so they can’t let go. They say they can’t find closure because of this. Their closure is dependent upon someone else doing something. They make closure contingent on that rather than giving it to themselves.
The first step in finding closure is to be okay with not having all the answers in order to move on. Even if you do get answers, you may not be happy with them and still not feel closure. We are complex beings and often we don’t always understand our deepest motivators. That person may not be aware of why they behaved the way they did and they may not be in a place of emotional maturity to take responsibility for themselves and how it affected you.
Is it more important to you to wait for answers that may never be coming or is your joy and happiness more important? Staying stuck needing the other person to release you is a way to hang on to your own insecurities and anger.
It also gives the other person power over you because you choose to let someone other than you decide when it’s okay for you to move on. The person really doesn’t have this power, but because of the way you choose to see it you make it conditional for yourself.
The second step is to take what you learn from the situation and be grateful. What good came from this situation? Let’s go back to the woman who met her soulmate and then he died. Instead of dwelling on the fact that she didn’t get the time she wanted with him, she could choose to take all the gifts from this and use it to move forward in her life in a new way.
She met someone who showed her what it was like to be loved for who she is. She opened her heart because of this meeting. Now she knows it is possible to be loved that deeply and to live with an open heart. She can use this to heal herself and connect with others in a deeper way. Although tragic in circumstances, being grateful for what she did have will help her to let go of the pain of not having a full life with him.
In other circumstances, say someone who cheats on you and you leaves the relationship, finding gratitude may feel impossible. In these instances, I find that many of my clients want to know how they can change themselves so they do not attract people who will do this again. Often it’s a subconscious belief they hold that needs to shift and this provides spiritual growth and self-understanding.
Sometimes the gratitude may come later after the other emotions have had a chance to be felt, worked through and let go. I have one client whose spouse cheated on him. They chose to stay together. Although he wishes the cheating never happened, he feels their relationship is stronger and closer than ever because of it and the work they needed to do together to rebuild. He was able to let go of the affair because he was grateful for their new understanding of each other and deeper love.
Forgiving yourself and the other person may be the most important step you take in finding closure. If you hold onto blame – of yourself, the other person, or God (or the Universe) – there is no room for love. Loving yourself means that you are kind to you and you choose to forgive the other person so you can move on. You do it for yourself.
That’s why it’s not important that you get the right explanation or the right kind of apology from the person you feel you need to have closure. If you want to find closure, look inside. Be okay with not knowing everything. Be grateful for the opportunity to grow and the gifts received. Forgive and be kind to yourself with love as you move on.